Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Rating the New Orleans Bowl: Let the mediocre times roll

Bowls: There are a lot of them. As a public service, the Doc is here to rank each game according to five crucial criteria, with help from the patron saint of the game in question. Today: The New Orleans Bowl!

Teams. Ohio Bobcats (8-4) vs. Troy Trojans (7-5).
Particulars. Dec. 18 (Today), 9 p.m. ET on ESPN.
Patron Saint. Fictional author, bookkeeper, hot dog vendor and megalomaniac Ignatius J. Reilly, oversized hero of John Kennedy O'Toole's Big Easy classic "A Confederacy of Dunces," who still greets visitors to the French Quarter via an eerily lifelike statue outside the former site of the D.H. Holmes Department Store on Canal Street.

Location. The Superdome is a first-rate venue, and one of the best places on Earth to be a part of a geared-up, electric crowd. It can also be one of the worst places to endure a sleepy game in front of 20,000. Coughs echo all over the building, whistles on the field are jarringly loud, air conditioning set for 70,000 bodies leaves the crowd shivering – although, on the bright side, you’ll find that chattering teeth make for a surprisingly effective noisemaker. When it gets to the point that you can hear the popcorn popping at the concession stand from your seat, it's time to forget the game and break out your handy flow chart for Saturday night on Bourbon Street.

Tradition. Amazingly, the New Orleans Bowl is celebrating its tenth anniversary – they grow up so fast! – all of them featuring the Sun Belt champion against an also-ran from one of the other scrubbier conferences. The most notable of that lot: The 2005 collision between Southern Miss and Arkansas State, relocated from the damaged Dome to Cajun Field in Lafayette in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Aside from Middle Tennessee quarterback Dwight Dasher's record-breaking show last year against USM, there's not much to show for its continued existence.

Swag. Organizers are taking a "quality over quantity" approach to the gift bags, eschewing the usual electronic "gift suites" and drawerful of clothes for an iPod touch and a Balfour ring. Points deducted for failing to include any vulgar t-shirts, Mardi Gras knickknacks or shot glasses.

Sponsors, trophies and other ambiance. While plebeian fans enjoyed keynote speaker Deuce McAllister during this morning's Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues, bowl big shots were living it up at the Chairman's Brunch, a "private party … by invitation only." If the chairman doesn't surface again until he comes staggering in on Wednesday morning with a black eye, a missing shoe and a tattoo of a naked voodoo priestess, well, we've all been those parties down there, man.

This year's match-up. As usual, Troy brings in a pass-happy spread that led the Sun Belt in passing, total and scoring offense for the third time in four years, despite the exit of offensive coordinator Neal Brown and prolific quarterback Levi Brown. Ohio, holding fast to the more conservative, ground-based philosophy imported by former Nebraska coach Frank Solich, hasn't come anywhere near the Trojans' numbers for the season, but it did score at least 30 points in every game of a seven-game winning streak over the last two months of the season.

One line neither team features on its resumé: Quality wins. Despite a close call at Oklahoma State early in the season, the Trojans finished 0-3 against opponents appearing this postseason, with Ohio coming in 1-2. The best win by either team may have been the Bobcats' 31-23 win over Temple to move to 8-3 on Nov. 16, but even that was immediately negated by a 28-6 flop at Kent State that knocked the 'Cats out of the MAC Championship Game.

Star power. It's never a good omen for the excitement level when neither team features a rusher receiver over 800 yards for the season, or when one of the them failed to place a single first-team pick on its own all-conference team. At least Troy comes strong with sophomore defensive end Jonathan Massaquoi – a native of Liberia and younger brother of former Georgia/current Cleveland Browns receiver Mohammed Massaquoi – who racked up 10 sacks, easily led the SBC with 17.5 tackles for loss and placed himself squarely on NFL scouts' radar as the next top pass rusher from the school that brought them DeMarcus Ware and Osi Umenyiora.

Final rating: out of five.
At least the fans at the game have America's greatest late-night tourist city to look forward to afterwards. If you're watching from home, try to enjoy some of the snippets of jazz coming in and out of commercial breaks, and remember that Ohio's mascot is in the building, somewhere.

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Matt Hinton is on Twitter: Follow him @DrSaturday.

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