Bowls: There are a lot of them. As a public service, the Doc is here to rank each game according to five crucial criteria, with help from the patron saint of the game in question. Today: The Little Caesars Pizza Bowl! Teams. Florida International Golden Panthers (6-6) vs. Toledo Rockets (8-4).
Particulars. Dec. 26 (Today), 8:30 p.m. ET on ESPN.
Favorite: Toledo (–1½)
Patron Saint: Imp. Caesar Flavius Valentinianus, commonly known as Valentinian II, acclaimed augustus (emperor) in 375 at the age of four years old. The title was bestowed upon the death of his father, emperor Valentinian I, by generals who feared the rise of the boy's older half-brother, Gratian. Amid the political pandemonium that followed the death of Valentinian I and later his brother, Valens – killed at the hands of the Goths in the Battle of Adrianople in 378, widely considered the beginning of the fall of the Roman Empire – the empire was effectively split in half when control in the east was assumed by another general, Theodosius. Valentinian II was forced in 583 to accede the northern territories of the Western Empire to another general, Magnus Maximus, and governed as an ineffectual puppet until 392, when he was found hanged – possibly at the behest of his Frankish general, Arbogast, who maintained de facto rule in the South – at the age of 21.
• Locale. In contrast to the old Silverdome, Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium or the Vet in Philadelphia – virtual paragons of no-frills, ACL-shredding discomfort – Ford Field's classy, glassy exterior marks it as a pioneer in the rise of athletic arena as hotel lobby meeting room, a beacon of aggressively neutral, Starbucks-inspired, faux upscale, brick-facaded suburban plush. Like a bookstore where a football game just so happen to beak out. And you don't have to cheer, you know. Just enjoy the game at your own pace and if you feel compelled to get a little rowdy, well, then, it's appreciated, as long as maintained within designated zones and appropriate levels of enthusiasm and other patrons' enjoyment of Josh Groban during timeouts is not impeded. But seriously, man, no pressure.
• Dec. 17: New Mexico Bowl
• Dec. 18: Humanitarian Bowl
• Dec. 18: New Orleans Bowl
• Dec. 22: Maaco Bowl Las Vegas
• Dec. 23: Poinsettia Bowl
• Dec. 24: Hawaii Bowl
• Tradition. You may recognize the Pizza Bowl as the Motor City Bowl, jointly sponsored by Detroit's "Big Three" automakers from 1998 to 2007, before the onset of economic recession nearly destroyed the domestic car industry in 2008. Chrylser was replaced at the last minute in '08 by the Michigan Regional Council of Carpenters and Millwrights; General Motors pulled out last year under bankruptcy. Into the breach stepped Motown Mike Ilitch, founder of Little Caesars Pizza, who parlayed his pepperoni fortune into redevelopment efforts in downtown Detroit and ownership of three of the city's four major pro sports teams.
The only one of the "Big Three" that remains on board: Ford, which refused the government bailout that kept its competitors afloat in late 2008 and just turned in the most profitable third quarter in the company's 107-year history ($1.69 billion), its sixth straight quarter in the black. Still, 50 points if you can name either of the teams that played in the game last year*.
• Swag. The best part of playing here: The gifts are on the nice end of boring. Players will come away with a watch, a leather duffel bag, a commemorative football and a mysterious "gift suite" that (and this is only a guess) probably does not include a new 4Runner. The only disappointment: The Pizza Bowl somehow isn't giving broke college kids coupons for free pizza.
• Sponsors, trophies and other ambiance. For the past two months, Little Caesars has orchestrated the "Little Caesars Pizza Bowl Instant Win Game and Sweepstakes," probably the most elaborate "bowl challenge" promotion in postseason history. The upshot is a "Squares" contest during tonight's game, in which contestants whose assigned squares intersect with the last digits of each team's score at the end of each quarter tonight will be entered into a random drawing for free tickets and airfare to the Rose Bowl (first quarter), Orange Bowl (second quarter), Sugar Bowl (third quarter) and BCS Championship Game (final score).
That's the bait. The hook: A "special in-store product promotion" to be broadcast to those anxious, pizza-loving contestants during the game.
• This year's match-up. Florida International earned its first ever bowl appearance by taking the Sun Belt championship at 6-2 in-conference; on the other side, Toledo rolled to a 7-1 mark in the MAC, falling only to West Division overlord Northern Illinois. Their combined record outside of the two meekest conferences in the FBS: 1-7.
At least the non-conference failures came in the process of daring greatly against respectable competition: Six of those seven losses came at the hands of "Big Six" foes, including bowl-bound Texas A&M, Maryland and Pittsburgh (all early winners over FIU) and Arizona and Boise State (which both scored blowouts over Toledo). Then again, the Panthers and Rockets also suffered defeat at the hands of 4-8 Florida Atlantic and 3-9 Wyoming, respectively, so you can take those records at face value.
• Star power. The postage highlight reel will likely be a duel of two of the most productive all-purpose types in the country, undersized receiver/return men Eric Page (Toledo) and T.Y. Hilton (FIU). Page led the nation with three kickoff returns for touchdowns and tied for the national lead with seven plays covering at least 50 yards, on top of 1,000-yard campaign as a receiver that included six 100-yard games and at least one touchdown in each of the last five.
Hilton was right behind him on all fronts, especially after an explosive November that included 863 all-purpose yards and seven touchdowns over the course of the Panthers' conference-clinching, four-game winning streak over Louisiana-Monroe, Troy, Louisiana-Lafayette and Arkansas State.
Final rating: out of five.
Even with a conference champion matched up against an eight-game winner, this is arguably the least attractive selection of the entire 35-bowl lineup – the Panthers and Rockets combined to go 2-6 over opponents that finished with winning records, beating Ohio and Troy. That might put it ahead of the New Orleans Bowl, but only if it produces the equivalent of Will Goggans' amazing beard.
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* Marshall defeated Ohio, 21-17.
Matt Hinton is on Twitter: Follow him @DrSaturday.
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